The Art of Deception

The one reality that I cling to is, "If I can feel it, then it's real." There are lots of things I can, or could feel; grass beneath my feet, a cool breeze on a hot summer day, the sense of joy after any accomplishment and.... pain. Especially pain. Pain is what brings me back to reality after feeling such nonsense like hope, satisfaction, and joy. It is the one true feeling that you can truly remember and count on to always be there in your time of need. I like my pain. I have to. I embrace it and surrender my very being to it's complete hold, like a hot shower on a cold winter morning. My pain keeps me alive for it feeds my soul with it's never ending suppply and the constant reminders that it is in total abundance. For without pain, I would have to substitute another equally addictive and abundant feeling to take its place and provide me with the emotional fix that I am addicted to.

Which brings me to the source of my pain. My "dealer" if you wish. Actually I have many, but I have my two main sources that I can count on for a fix when I need it. My ex and Family Court.

My ex gives me the most pain. She has a never ending supply that she is always willing to give to me. Day or night, whenever I run short of my supply of pain I can always count on my ex for a fix. And her main ingredient to make the pain more potent and longer lasting is my daughter. She always adds her to the dose of pain I get, thereby increasing its effects and ensuring me that my fix will last for much longer. And the doses of pain I get are stronger very time she gives them to me. Even now, I have enough pain in my possesion to last me a lifetime, and yet I still go back for more. I have taken almost 15 years of pain and like an out of control addict, I go back "just once more" to get another dose for it is now so potent I could not go without a fresh batch for long.

But the pain I get from my ex could not be handed to me so freely, nor would it be as potent as it is without the help of Family Court, for without the help of this powerful Dealer, the pain might not be as strong or long-lasting.

Oh I fully understand the implications involved with my dealings with my ex and the Court. And once I have given my soul over to these two, I will never get it back. And if I did, I would hardly recognize it as the one I handed over for that soul would be a complete stranger to me. One full of hope and promise. Full of energy and life. No, that soul is now a stranger to me and one I would not recognize, for many years have passed and I have forgotten his face.

I did not so easily fall to the clutches of pain and despair. I fought hard against them for many years with truth and hope. I held my head up high as a constant reminder to those who would drag me down that I could not, and would not be morally impeached. Against all odds, I maintained the path of the righteous and tended to it daily, never yielding to the temptation of pain and despair that was so eagerly sought by my ex and the Court. But as time wore on, I realized this battle was never meant to be fair. Nor was it meant to be a just battle, for if you believe that holding truth and morality up as your shield will only allow slight scarring in battle while you fight to win the war, you are mistaken. And foolish.

This was my mistake. I foolishly believed that if I always did what was right and just, that if I held myself to a higher moral standard than my enemy I would prevail. And I believed that that was what the Court believed too. I gave my trust over fully to the "wisdom" of the Court and just knew that if I held my ground, eventually truth would succeed and justice would prevail.

What a crock of shit.

Truth and morality have no place or business in a Court. Any Court. It's not whether you're right or not, it's how you are able to manipulate the facts to an obviously broken and one-sided system that determines "right from wrong." And don't be on the wrong side of this lopsided system, for if you find yourself there you can throw away all notion of morality and righteousness. These will do you no good here. In it's place you will have pain and disappointment to accompany you in and out of the Court. And the transformation will be permanent, for the years will go by taking away your hope and longing for justice replacing them with bitter memories and the realization that for all the good you tried to uphold, your just cause will be crushed like some insignificant ant on a sidewalk.

Ahh, it's been awhile now. A while since my last fix. I feel that emptiness inside of me that needs to be filled. Now, where's my fix? There it is, in the mailbox.

From: The Family Court of the State of........


I knew I could count on my Dealer.


Next: A Child in between...