An empty room...

The best part about not having your daughter visit you anymore is you don't have to clean up her room after her.

I keep telling myself this over and over again. Every time I run the vacuum in her room, or when I dust off the furniture. Of course I don't do as good a cleaning as I used to. The dust on her little curio shelves, where she has an assortment of jewelry boxes, tiny glass figurines and dolls doesn't get cleaned as often. I have yet to pick up the socks that she left bunched up in her closet. I don't bother to straighten up the various items of clothing she has sticking up out of the drawers of her dresser. And I haven't made up her bed from the last time I washed the sheets. As a matter of fact, by the time I gathered up the strength to launder them I just placed the linens and bedspread inside of those large vacuum-sealed, clear plastic storage bags.

I hadn't seen her in many months and by this time and there was the just the faintest hint of the perfumed body wash, hair gel/spray, lotion and makeup lingering in the air each time I went into her room. Yeah, the room still smelled like her. My daughter. My "almost teenage" daughter. The little girl that I once knew that liked horses, Barbie dolls, and "Goose Bumps" videos had almost overnight changed into a sullen, Goth make-up wearing, heavily perfumed, image obsessed teenager. And even though I understood the changes she was going through - sort of - and tried to give her the space she wanted but still remain close by, the thought of erasing the last vestiges of her existence from my life - the smell - seemed to be the unthinkable, final write-off of her from my life. The thought, in my mind, that I would actually be completely eliminating her last tangible existence from my house was so totally against what my heart wanted that I couldn't bear to actually do it.

Until now. It has been almost two years since I have last seen my daughter. Two years. And at this point in time there is no guarantee that I will be seeing her any time soon. I did get one tearful phone call from her while she was visiting a friends house. She said she missed me and wanted to know if I missed her. I choked out "of course I do honey" trying to be brave and not allow the overwhelming urge to cry come through my voice. She needed me to be strong, an unwaivering source of consistency, the solid ground under her feet. Our conversation was brief as she was calling me long distance from her friends house and I told her thank her friend for her generosity. After a brief and intense conversation she hung up the phone and that was it. I sat on the phone for a second or two, stunned about what I had just heard, and then put the phone down. And then I just sat there going over the conversation I just had with my daughter and trying to picture her face. I was all at the same time happy, sad, confused, relieved and thankful.

And then I got angry.


She told me she was having a hard time at school. There were some personality conflicts with some of her friends. She wanted to know why I hadn't gotten in touch with her new "court appointed" therapist. And her Mom told her I wasn't legally allowed to see her. She wanted to know "what was going on? Why didn't I want to see her?" I tried to be as reassuring as I could, but the conversation revealed some disturbing facts that caught me off guard.

• A new therapist?
• Not allowed to see her?
• Having to call me from a friends house to talk to me?
  

You see, the whole reason I haven't seen my daughter for almost two years is twofold. It is in part due to me and in a larger part due to a combination of my ex-wifes manipulation of the State of Delaware and the States inadequate laws concerning "child welfare". In my last post, I briefly touched on the incident that started all of this. The "MySpace" website and the confrontation that ensued, the court hearing where my ex-wife tried to paint me as an unfit father and the ruling of the court for an appointed therapist to "repair the relationship between father and daughter". And I still have yet to see my daughter.

I'll touch briefly on the hearing at court. We're both there, she has her lawyer and I'm by myself. Short version of her testimony. Father bad, me good. The judge looks at me. "Your Honor, I discovered a disturbing website my daughter put up and I called her on it. I believe she is trying to play both sides to get to the middle". Thoughtful pause, then the judge announces his ruling. Court appointed therapy for all. Specifically to "repair the relationship between father and daughter". Makes sense. I guess the State of Delaware can have its moments of clarity and thoughtfulness. My ex announces to the court who the therapist can be. I'm thinking "the judge just said 'court-appointed' and here she is stumping for her choice in doctors". The judge asks me if that choice is acceptable, I say yes and the mold is cast. I leave immediatly after the hearing and beeline to this doctors office. I know this doctor. She is the other half of my daughters family practice doctors office.

So, after a few phone calls, I get an "appointment" to see the doctor that day. I wait patiently in the office for 1.5 hrs. She then pokes her head into the waiting room and asks "can I help you?" Um, yeah. I'm so-and-so's father. I called to talk with you. Confused look. OK, come on in. I explain the court hearing, the ruling, and advise her that my ex has brought her name into it as the doctor of choice. I just want her to have my contact info, and tell her of my desire to be an active participant. Another confused look. She then states, that if this is true (?), then she wants a psychiatric baseline evaluation for me.

What? Did you hear what I just said? You are supposed to be the catharsis for repairing the relationship, not a wedge to drive in deeper. I ask if this is for everyone. Another confused look, but this time tempered with disdain. She stutters out a feeble yes. I am suspicious, but agree. The doctor gives me the name of the person doing the evaluation and I get up to leave. Guess who is in the waiting room? The ex. Boy, is she surprised. So with doctors name in hand, I call and make the appointment. About one months wait.

Now we're nearing the appointment date and I call the "psycho-therapist". Any word on my daughter? Pause. What are you talking about, she states. You know, the baseline evaluation that my daughters doctor recommended for everyone. Another pause. I don't know what you are talking about. Now I'm confused. We still agree on the appointment and I start to gather the material I'm going to bring to the doctors office. The printed web pages of the MySpace website, the court ruling on joint therapy, and anything else I think will be helpful. I arrive at the appointed time at the "psycho-therapists" office and we sit down to talk. Why am I here, the doctor asks. Um, because I was told to be here. OK, lets start. I show her the papers. Slightly confused look on her face, she flips through the pages. All 62 of them. She then looks at me and states very plainly, "You're the wrong person here". Now I'm confused (sort of). I ask for an explanation. The doctor states she believes my daughter could be experiencing some type of abuse at home, that she will contact this other doctor immediately asking her why I am here and why that doctor hasn't said a thing to her about my daughter or my ex needing to be seen, and suggests that I might want to get a lawyer. I explain to the doctor that no lawyer to date has wanted to touch this and what do I need to do? She says she will be in touch.

So I wait. I'm waiting for the phone call from the "psycho-therapist" and from the "court appointed" therapist that is supposed to "repair the relationship between father and daughter". Nothing. Weeks go by and still nothing. I call the "court appointed therapist" (my ex's choice of doctor) and leave a message. Twice. Now I'm getting angry. On the third phone call I leave another message. Call me within 24 hrs, or I will go to the courts and the Medical Board to file a suit. I finally get a return call. "You didn't leave a phone number for me to contact you". What? Remember the visit to your office where I personally gave you that info? Silence, then redirection. "Your ex-wifes insurance doesn't want to pay for the sessions, blah blah blah, you will need to pay me money if you want to be a part of therapy". Now I'm friggin' enraged. (oh, by the way, I'm recording this conversation too. -oops) I explain to her the court order (again), her recommendation for the "baseline psychiatric evaluation" and the fact that neither my daughter nor my ex has undergone this evaluation (per the "psyco-analysts" statement) and now your asking for ransome money.

Yeah, I said that.

This "revelation" of the cash needed has never come up before and I have not seen my daughter in five months. What the hell are you doing I ask? "Oh, nothing now as I'm not getting paid. Your daughter is seeing another therapist I believe, but you may want to ask your ex." I tell her that her medical professionalism is questionable, at best, and ask her if she believes that what she did is in the best interest of my daughter, although I don't wait for an answer. I slam the phone off and stop the recorder. And with recording in hand I file a complaint with the Medical Board of Professional Regulation. This, I think, should be open and shut.

It's not. After two months of waiting to see if my "protest" is worthy of an interview with an Investigator, I get my visit. I play the recording and show the court papers, and other documentation to the Board Member. He listens, reads and then proclaims that, "All the doctor was doing was asking for monetary compensation for services she performed". Perfectly legal. Not ethical, given the circumstance, but legal. I'm stunned. I can't even muster the breath to tell this "Investigator" either thank you for your time, or, you're an idiot. And I still haven't seen my daughter. It's like no one cares whether I can see her or not. What happened to being a father for your child? Apparently the State could give a rats ass (as long as you are paying support. If not then they get involved)

And then my daughter calls. She's not really sure of the name of her "new" therapist, but she did tell her she wanted to see her dad. And her mom is telling her that I have "no legal right" to see her. And there is still a long distance block on her moms phone preventing her from calling me. Thats why she called from a friends house.

You know what bothers me the most? That phone call sounded like a call for help from my daughter and there isn't a damn thing I can do. Some father I turned out to be.

Personal message from me:

To the Family Court of the State of Delaware, the Board of Professional Medical Regulation, all of my daughters "therapists" (yeah, keep hiding), my ex in-laws and most importantly, my ex...

You can all kiss my ass.